Flourishing Homemaker (Part I)

The other parts of this series: Part II.

Homemaker: A Job REFLECTION

My husband likes me to go on trips and conferences with him. Not only can we have some quality time and discuss new things outside the usual topics of kids and home but he also thinks it would be good for me to venture outside familiarity and regularity from time to time, to stretch my ways of thinking and get stimulated by a new company of inspiring people.

I went with him to South Africa, USA, Vietnam to attend different conferences mostly related to his business like the Christian Economic Forum, the World Economic Forum. It is refreshing for me to meet new inspiring people, understanding their thoughts and ideas, and seeing their passions and hearts for others.

Then the questions came up. “So what do you do?” they asked me. I nonchalantly would reply with a smile, “I am a homemaker, a stay-at-home mom. I am here just to accompany my husband.” In response to my answer, most people would usually go out of their way to give assurances on how important my job is, how it is the hardest job in the world, how valuable the role of a stay-at-home mom to the society.

I appreciate their kindness very much, but their accolades didn’t encourage me. Instead, they embarrassed me. Deep down I didn’t feel they were entirely correct. Despite many articles and quotes enumerating all the valuable things stay-at-home moms contribute to families and societies, many of us still feel lacking validations, not the external validations but the internal validations from within ourselves.

The values and contributions of a homemaker or a stay-at-home mother are clear and indisputable. A homemaker works hard to make a house into a home with all the provisions and care given to each member of the household.  We put thoughts, organization, administration and many other execution skills into the job to attend to everybody’s needs. Mothers’ contribution in nurturing and nourishing a vulnerable child to become the healthy next generation is invaluable. Yet we are often still unsure of ourselves and our worth.

I think there are at least three reasons why it is hard for homemakers or stay-at-home moms to feel fully secured with their values and contributions. These are the three reasons:

1.  Not much accountability of time and results.

If there’s no accountability, there’s not much validity in either a good or bad performance. Our children are very receptive and forgiving of our shortcomings, and they also depend on us which make them unsuited to objectively evaluate our performance. The only other adult we are accountable to is our own husband. There are no outside personage or structure that keep us accountable.

We have to be entrepreneurial and driven by our own personal objectives and schedules. The scopes of the job are stretchable and flexible in nature. We can set our own KPIs and the bars as high and as low as we’d like. There are lots of temptations and distractions in the freedom of our own home which can easily squander our time and productivity.

For the sake of evaluation: there is the outstanding super mom on one end and the exceptionally negligent mom at the other end of the spectrum. There’s always a nagging sense of guilt within because we have this idea of how a picture-perfect homemaker would do, behave, look like and smell like, and we feel we belong somewhere in the mediocre middle due to our various degrees of incompetencies.

2. Less tangible measurements of progress. Unclear relations between effort and impact.

The nature of the job is cyclic with a long-term view entailed, so progress is hard to discern and determine. The direct link between our investment and the impact on our children’s development is hard to pinpoint and often seems not proportional. There are a lot of factors involved most especially the children themselves. They are unique individuals and they decide how much resistance or cooperation to give us.

The longer I am in this parenting job, the more I realize everything is only by God’s grace. I have tried, studied and implemented many parenting techniques and methods, but only God can change my child’s heart and my own heart. It turns out a lot of the mess happens because the inside of me also needs to be unearthed and fixed through this parenting journey.

Sometimes we can see glimpses of accomplishments in the children’s academics or in their mannerisms which we’d like to attribute to our involvements and investments as the parent, but in reality, there are really no accomplishments we can clearly claim as our own.

3. There is another version of you other than a homemaker that has not or can not come out.

As homemakers and stay-at-home mothers, we know how essential our function and role is in maintaining the home front and raising a healthy, thriving next generation. No one needs to tell us how important motherhood is, we are instinctively and biologically wired to take our job seriously as if our life depends on it. It is a huge part of our life.

Yet deep down we still feel somewhat lacking, some pieces of us are still seeking outlets to channel other versions of us, which are our other talents, gifts and aspirations. Until we can express them, we’ll always feel less whole because these other dimensions of us haven’t been realized and validated. Sometimes we can see they come out in small bursts, like when we do projects at home in certain ways or the way people feel when they are around us. Our strengths generally shine, the way we are bent is usually apparent to the people around us.

For some homemakers, they already have enough outlets at their home or community to channel their talents, gifts and aspirations. For other homemakers, the outlets they need lie outside the boundary of their home and surroundings. For these homemakers, they are constrained by time and energy to venture and explore outside without compromising their primary responsibilities as homemakers and stay-at-home mothers. Thus the dilemma. In this case, some pieces of us are still buried and making us less whole.

Lack of accountability, KPIs, sense of progress and self-actualization are some of the big factors that make homemakers feel they stand on a not-so-solid footing and unsure of themselves. 

I think these conditions if applied to most people would cause the same effects. The unique circumstantial difference is homemakers have to manage their vocational calling along with their other precious callings as a wife and a mother which usually take precedence and preeminence.

I am actually not so badly affected by reason number one and two. When I was little, I was the ‘good-student’ type in schools. I always have an inner drive to be productive and result-oriented. I have to admit I am not as self-disciplined now compared to my younger self, but overall my inner drive still keeps me on my toes. I am acutely and painfully aware whenever I have wasted my time or wrecked my day’s productivity.

I am also blessed by my husband especially, because of him I am not burdened by any internal doubts potentially sprouted from reason number two. My husband and my children appreciate me very much. They know of my strengths and weaknesses. They accept my weaknesses and elevate my strengths. It’s a tremendous blessing from God.  I have the peace of mind knowing that I have given my best for my family despite my shortcomings; I entrust the results of my work to God.

But I struggle and wrestle with the issue revealed in reason number three. In the past, there were times I had felt some pieces of me confined, but I couldn’t articulate exactly. In hindsight, I think it was part of God’s will for me to experience the turmoil of having to set aside some aspects of me (at least for a time). This experience has humbled me greatly and actually prepared me well for the next stage of life, and the love I have for my family is always a great soothing balm for all kinds of heartaches. These are all part of the job package of a homemaker and a stay-at-home mother.

Motherhood is (surprisingly) only a season of our life, it’s not a lifetime job. Even though it’s very all-encompassing right now, we don’t have to be lost in it. Sure, our children are still the priority, sacrifices are still part of the job specs, and time/energy is still a very limited commodity, but we don’t have to deny these other dimensions of us from flourishing because they are all parts of the way God has made and designed us. We can certainly and creatively seek ways to equip and improve ourselves continuously. God will give us opportunities when He sees fit in our contexts and circumstances to channel the gifts, the talents and the aspirations He has given us.

 

The other parts of this series: Part II.

There are also other related articles in the Resource Page.

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